There's No Business Like Show Business
by Benji The Vampire Confuser
Summary: After 3,000 years, Tut has been bitten by the Show Biz bug. But in over 3,000 years, he's never met a town quite like Hollywood.


**No Business Like Show Business**

**Part of the Omniverse Project**

**by Benji: The Vampire Confuser**

_I do not own Highlander or the Immortal Concept contained therein. Neither do I own The Last Vampire._

_Author's Note: This story is a sequel of sorts to Who Wants to Live Forever, a Buffy/Highlander crossover that is also posted on this site. Also, Tut and Sita appear in Angel: The Party._

* * *

Tut sank into his chair, sighing happily. _Done._ he thought. _No more unpacking to do. I'm not moving from this chair._ Across the room, the phone rang. Opening one eye, Tut eyed it irritably. "They're doing this on purpose." he decided. "I've done something to annoy the Gods." He thought perhaps it was the fact that he'd been unable to let Isis stay here, as the landlord was dead set against animals of any kind.

The phone kept ringing, in fact, he could swear it sounded impatient. "All right, all right." he grumbled, rising from his seat. "Hello?" he said, picking up the phone.

"Hey there lover." a low, husky voice said. "What are you wearing?"

"Hi Sita." Tut smiled, his spirits rising immediately.

"Hi. Did you get settled all right?"

"Well, the Landlord didn't allow pets, so Isis has to stay elsewhere, but other than that, yeah."

"How did Isis feel about that?"

"He had a few choice words. Most of them I wouldn't care to repeat."

"I thought he might. Well I got the house up here rented, so I'll be down there by tomorrow."

"I look forward to it." he smiled. A beeping alerted him to another call. "Oops, let me put you on hold for a minute."

"Sure."

He activated the next line. "Yello?"

"Thomas Kammen?"

"Sure why not."

The person on the other end snickered. "This is Sally Blevins from The Suicidal Tendencies Talent Agency."

"Ah yes." An agency that catered entirely to stuntmen. Another call was coming. "Can you hold on for a minute?"

"Certainly."

He opened the third line. "Hello?"

There was a pause. "Mr. Kammen?"

"Yes,"

"This is MCI-"

Tut screamed and stabbed the button cutting them off, the blinking button informed him he'd only put them on hold. "Damn." He'd just hooked up the phone that morning. How'd they find him so quickly?

He put Sita back on. "Sita can I call you back?"

"Sure." she said. He pushed a button to switch to the third line.

"Go to hell." he said.

"Excuse me?" Sita asked, having not hung up yet.

"Ack! Not you! Wrong line!"

She hung up, laughing.

He pushed another button. "MCI?"

"Uh, no." Sally said.

"Crap." The Gods had it out for him. Definitely. He should have been able to figure this out. He guessed he was just tired.

"MCI?" he asked, after switching lines again.

"Yes."

"Go to hell." This time when he cut them off, he got it right.

"All right." he sighed. "What's up Sally?"

"Is everything settled there?" He could hear the smile in her voice.

"Yeah, it's this dang newfangled phone." he grinned.

"All right, well we've got you an audition."

"Already? Great! Where and when."

"At Paramount in five minutes."

Tut's jaw dropped. He had five minutes to get there? Crap! He got the details quickly. "This is a test isn't it." he muttered after hanging up quickly. "Here I go!" He dashed out the door.

* * *

Malcolm knew he was coming. He'd tracked Tut across the country, waiting for the perfect time to strike. Then, he'd just gotten impatient. _I'll just take his head now._ he thought.

The sense of another Immortal washed over him, and he stepped from the alley. "I am Malcolm. Prepare to die Tut!"

Tut didn't even pause. He knocked the sword aside and shoved Malcolm away. "Not now! Busy!" He ran on.

"You can't escape me that easy!" Malcolm shouted, chasing after him. Fortunately, it was L.A. Nobody looked twice at a man with a sword running down the street shouting about how he was going to kill someone.

Tut didn't have time for a fight. He glanced at his watch. Four minutes. He wouldn't make it on foot. Running into the street, he stopped a Taxi. By jumping in front of it.

"Madre de Dios!" the driver shouted.

Ignoring him, Tut opened the driver side door and shoved the man over. "Start the meter!" He shifted into gear, and took off.

"You're Loco!" the Cabbie yelled. "Slow the fuck down! Look out for that man!"

"He's in the road, he knew the risks." Never the less, he managed to miss the pedestrian. He turned onto a side street that he knew would shave at least a minute off his time. Unfortunately it was under construction.

"I don't want to die." the Cabbie whimpered.

* * *

"Where the hell is he?" the casting agent scowled. She scanned the crowd again, certain he must be there somewhere. Suddenly, she spotted him. "Ah ha!" she cried, stabbing here finger down on the page. "Right there!" She'd found Waldo once again.

"Um, Meris?" her assistant said. "We do have people coming to audition."

"I know that." she said. "But we've still got ten seconds to spare. Is everybody here?"

"Not quite." Matt said. "There's still Thomas Kammen. He's not here yet."

"Well, if he's not here in five seconds, we'll start without him."

"Right."

Meris began to count down. "In, three, two, one-"

"I'm here!" Tut shouted, bursting into the studio. "Right on time." Once he had regained his breath, he approached the desk. "I'm Thomas Kammen." he said. "I'm here."

"Right on time." Meris complimented him. "Let me guess, last minute notification?"

"How'd you know?"

"We always do that to newbies. It's like a fraternity hazing."

Tut sighed. "Well, now what?"

"Well," Meris grinned, looking Tut over, "Are you familiar with the term Casting Couch?"

Drawing back, Tut narrowed his eyes. Meris burst out laughing.

"I'm just giving you a hard time." she said. "Don't worry. Let's get started."

* * *

Plate glass shattered as Tut was thrown threw the window. He landed on his back, his body already healing.

"And Cut!" the director shouted. "Print that! That's a wrap everybody, see you here again tomorrow!"

Tut stretched. Being a stunt man wasn't quite what he expected, but it wasn't far off. He'd been working a week on this movie, and in that time, he'd been hit by a car, thrown off a moving train, off the roof of a building, been shot, stabbed, beaten up and set on fire. It was a comedy.

Tut walked wearily to his car. They'd done that window scene twenty times before they'd gotten it how the director wanted it. It was repetitive, it was exhausting, and it was the most fun he'd had in a long, long time.

Arriving home, he found a note lying on his table. "Meet me at the Hollywood sign right now if you ever want to see your precious Alisa again. Signed, A Friend."

Tut laughed. What kind of game was Sita playing that she let herself get kidnapped by an evil Immortal? "Might as well go find out."

Since they had found each other again, Tut had noticed that Sita had been mellowing quite a bit. She wasn't going soft, but there was something less violent and superior about her. He wondered if it was the stability of their relationship.

He arrived soon after at the sign, not sure what to expect. A dead Immortal? A fight? Sita still playing along? He wasn't expecting what actually happened.

"Surprise!"

Sita and Seymour stood at a picnic table they had set up, with food on it.

"What is this?" Tut smiled. "It's not my birthday." He blanched. "Ra's eye, it's not our anniversary is it?"

Sita grinned. "No you twit, it's a congratulations party." She hugged him. "It was Seymour's idea. Actually, this is a double celebration. Seymour sold a screenplay, and you've broken into the show biz."

"Congratulations." Tut said, shaking Seymour's hand. "What's it called?"

"The Last Vampire."

Tut raised his eyebrows. "Sneaky." he complimented.

"What better place for Sita to hide than out in the open?" Seymour beamed.

"You did remember to give me credit right?" Sita reminded him.

"Of course. Written by Alisa Perne and Seymour Dorsten."

"Good boy." Sita smiled. "I'll let you live."

Tut looked concernedly at Seymour. "She was kidding right?"

"Of course I'm kidding." Sita laughed, wrapping her arms around Tut. "Now c'mon, let's eat."

* * *

Tut lay awake in the apartment he shared with Sita. He could hear Sita playing the piano in the other room. He'd loved Sita when she'd been his companion when he was still mortal. When he'd awoken in his tomb, he'd despaired of ever finding love again. How many times had he fallen in love, only to have the object of his affection killed, either by the ravages of time, or by other Immortals?

He had found Sita again, and she would not grow old, and she was powerful enough that no Immortal or mortal would be able to take her away.

He came to a decision at midnight.

* * *

Tut came awake to the sensation of being kissed. _Hmm,_ he thought. _This beats an alarm clock any day._

"Wakey wakey." Sita whispered in his ear. "You have a job to get to." She glanced at the clock. "Actually, so do I."

"You got a job?" Tut asked interestedly. "Doing what?"

"Selling Antiques actually." she said. "I impressed the interviewer with my extensive knowledge of such matters."

"I'll bet." the Immortal smiled. "See ya tonight."

* * *

After another grueling day on the set filming the big fight scene, Tut set off on an errand that he believed far too long delayed.

He entered the shop, and began perusing the merchandise. Just as he'd made his selection, he felt the presence of another Immortal. Turning, he saw the man enter the shop.

"Tut," the man said, "We have unfinished business." It was the same Immortal he'd ignored the other day.

"Do I know you?" Tut asked.

"Perhaps not, but I know you. Think back. Alaska."

* * *

**Alaska, 1800**

Tut ran. He didn't know what had possessed him to come up here, another of Will's harebrained ideas, prospecting. Not having anything better to do, Tut trekked north to join his friend. He'd been nearing the place where he was to meet Will, when he encountered a difficulty. Will had neglected to mention a tiny quirk that the Alaskan Wilderness had. Bears did not take kindly to strangers.

He barely noticed when he sensed another Immortal. He guessed it was the man that he literally ran over in his escape. He also barely registered the screams behind him as the bear caught whoever it had been.

* * *

**Hollywood, 1998**

"Oh yeah!" Tut realized. "Now I remember you! Sorry I didn't recognize you when I was standing still."

The other Immortal smiled grimly. "Well you've run me over twice. Now I get my revenge."

"Give me a minute will you?" Tut said. He bought the item with his charge card. "All right, lead the way."

In an alley far from prying eyes, the duel began.

"So," Tut said, "You've been hunting me since the 19th century just because you got attacked by a bear that was chasing me?"

"You make it sound so trivial." the other said.

They fought some more.

"By the way," Tut asked, "Who are you?"

"Oh," his opponent apologized, "How rude of me. My name's Seamus McFly. Don't laugh."

"Wouldn't dream of it." Tut grinned. With a quick blow, Seamus knocked the sword from Tut's hand. Believing him defeated, he lunged in for the kill.

Tut merely leaped up, and flipped over his head. Landing gracefully on his feet, he pitched off balance and rolled. _Gonna have to practice that move some more._ he thought. It'd been almost a century since he'd last performed it. He grabbed his sword from where it had fallen and quickly parried a blow to his neck.

"Hello!" Tut shouted. "My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

"What?"

"What do you mean what?" Tut asked, aghast. "You've never seen the Princess Bride?" He had to admit, he was being much sillier than he usually was. It was probably due to his plans for the evening, and the ridiculousness of his last few days.

The fight lasted a good ten minutes more. After the lengthy fight, and the Quickening afterward, all Tut wanted was to crawl into bed and die.

Three young boys stopped him on the way home. "Give us your wallet man." the leader said.

"Whatever." Tut responded wearily, and kept going.

Not used to having people ignore them, the boys gave up.

* * *

"What happened to you?" Sita asked. She'd arrived home scant seconds before him, and could see the fatigue on his face. "Hard day on the set?"

"Yeah," Tut said. "That too. Some Immortal waylaid me on the way home, so, fight and Quickening. Can't talk, tired." He trudged wearily into the bed room, and collapsed onto the bed without bothering to undress. He was so glad he had the day off tomorrow.

He felt the mattress shift as Sita sat on the bed beside him.

"I think someone needs a massage." she said.

Tut gave an affirmative mumble. Too tired to even get excited. At first. But Sita was experienced at changing that.

* * *

The next day, Tut awoke, reenergized. He stretched languorously. He'd thought long and hard about how he would ask Sita-

"Tut," Sita asked, entering the room with a small box, "What's this?"

Tut looked at her incredulously. "You just won't let anything be a surprise will you?" he asked. He shook his head amusedly then got down on one knee. Gently taking the box from her hand and opening it, he said;

"Sita, I love you more than anyone I have ever loved, and I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. Will you marry me?"

To Be Continued in:

Do You Take This Vampire?


End file.
